Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
