fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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