If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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