fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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