he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
