Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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