11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I'd wear matching sweaters with you
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
