I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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