So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Watching her eat just hurts me
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Randomize
