So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Randomize
