On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
