I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
