At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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