Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
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