i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
