Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
