if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Welp...herpes.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
