I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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