Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
