ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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