There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Randomize
