I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
