There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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