and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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