last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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