Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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