if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
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