# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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