Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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