I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Randomize
