I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
