I got her a Nickelback box set.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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