Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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