I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
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