All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
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