Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
