TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
