i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Randomize
