I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
