i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
