He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
