Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
