Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
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