I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
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