Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
