I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
