so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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