I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Randomize
