Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
