I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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