he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
