My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
