Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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