Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
