she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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