Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
